Prior to my current sentence, the only time I had ever been arrested was for having a marijuana pipe in my pocket when I was pulled over for rolling through a stop sign the summer after I graduated from high school. I received one year of probation, which I walked off without any trouble. 

Now I am spending the rest of my life in prison for 1st-degree murder, a terrible crime I committed less than two years after my first arrest. Just before then, I’d been accepted to a leading motorcycle mechanic school. During the final admissions paperwork I mentioned I was currently on probation. They told me I would no longer be accepted into the class because of the nature of the offense. 

In the 18-month period afterward, I took a headfirst dive because the dream I had for my future had been snatched away. I felt depressed, angry & hopeless. 

Then in April 2004, I took the life of Roger Bardman, an innocent man who did absolutely nothing to provoke me, especially into such an act of violence. 

It wouldn’t be until many years later that I accepted the fact that my dream wasn’t “snatched away,” but rather that I had given it up freely with my own actions.

I am not the product of a poor upbringing or a particularly bad environment. I am the youngest of three kids, raised by loving parents in a religious household where I was cared for, protected, and taught, not just right from wrong, but how to take care of myself in all aspects of life. The times I was punished it was entirely justifiable & never extreme. 

I harbor no ill will toward anyone for my position in life; I am where I am because of me. No one else.

In my 21 years incarcerated I’ve done a number of things to try to work on myself. I don’t do this for anybody but myself. Even as I type this I don’t hold an expectation that I will ever be released. There is a hope, but not an expectation. So I work on myself for my own peace of mind. 

For many years I was unhappy with how my life was. Eventually, after taking a deep look inside, I determined that the cause of my unhappiness was the way I lived, thought, and acted. I kind of wandered in circles for a bit, unsure of how to approach these life-changing thoughts, until a psychologist introduced me to a new way of thinking: Cognitive Behavior Therapy. Though I didn’t take it seriously at first, she kept trying. Eventually I not only took it seriously, but began co-facilitating groups based on CBT as well as groups for anger management, being a productive member of our prison society, meditation, Substance Use Disorder, various other self-help programs as a Certified Peer Specialist and instructed Yoga classes. All the while continuing to work on myself, for myself.

I began working as a Certified Peer Specialist because I saw how mentally ill incarcerated people were treated in prison, and being diagnosed as “high functioning” mentally ill, I wanted to work with these men so I could try to make their lives even the slightest bit easier. 

Its hard to live in prison as it is, and much more difficult when the “general population” surrounds someone like a school of piranha simply because he doesn’t think the same way or as fast as they do. Sometimes you just need to talk to someone. I made it known to everybody I worked with that I didn’t care why you’re here, and maybe letting something off your chest might help to lessen your burden. I like to think that in the period of time I was a CPS I accomplished that goal at least a once.

I’ve always struggled with forgiveness & moving on. Not so much when it comes to other people, but forgiving myself. I expect better from myself than I do from other people. I know that I made a lot of bad decisions in my life, just as I know I’ve made a lot of good decisions & a lot of positive changes to myself. 

Every day I work to move on from the terrible act I committed. I took Roger Bardman’s life. An innocent man who never did a thing to deserve any kind of aggression from me, and I stole his life away. 

To this day I’m still not sure what was going through my head at the time. Even the memories I have of that day are hazy at best. I’ve tried to equate my actions with my history of drug use, mental illness, anger, or any other myriad factors. 

I try not to look at those things anymore & instead focus on where I am & where I’m going. I freely admit to having committed that crime, just as I always have, and I must live with the consequences. I have never appealed my case. I am guilty. I won’t look for some legal loophole to get me released. 

All I can hope for is that one day I will have been able to prove to everyone that I have changed & that I can live among society, not as a danger or a burden, but as someone worthwhile. I wasn’t able to accomplish what I have alone. I credit a handful of people over the years with giving me the help I needed, including other people who were in the same situation, saw they needed to change, and did. 

Maybe my story will help someone out there who thinks they are on the verge of being lost. I used to think I was lost. Now, years later, I don’t believe anyone is ever completely lost. People can actually change if they work at it.

— Jay Gottstein