Terri’s story has been lightly edited for clarity.

I’m Terri Harper. I’ve been down 33 1/2 years. The first seven were all about adjusting to the devastation I caused my victims, my family, and others, then adapting to LIFE inside prison, and I didn’t do well, so I had multiple misconducts with way too many down days to count as a result. One day, an officer asked me, “What the hell is wrong with you?” And my response was, “I’m mad as hell!”

The surprising question set off a series of WHY’s and WHAT IF..?’s that ultimately saved me from myself and the institutionalization present all around me. I was faced with the harsh reality that a man was dead, his woman was hurt, and his family and mine would forever mourn losses I could never erase or reclaim. I had been part of the unthinkable. Even being in the dark, I was guilty of hurting so many people. That acknowledgement almost consumed me.

I began to openly admit that I was angry with myself and verbally taking it out on people who didn’t know who or what I was battling. Some didn’t deserve my wrath, others who constantly needled me about my past job did.

And there it is! The JOB…It should’ve been something I felt in my soul and protected with words and actions, but it was only a means to an end. It was my financial advancement, my social distinguishment, and the familial accomplishment I thought I needed and was ready to handle. I was on my way, but I had no thought to or belief in the dangers ahead. Work, Party, Shop, and look out for my baby sis and grandmother was ALWAYS foremost. Forgetting to see the Blessing in the opportunities and Responsibilities involved put me in darkness that was only brought to light by my incarceration. Sitting in county almost two years afforded me consistent visits and left me in unreality. That all changed during the 3 1/2 hour ride to Muncy.

Upon arrival and being handcuffed to a railing in the gatehouse, I saw a new darkness, and it jump-started the internal war that plagued me the first five years upstate.

I had a job as soon as I was classified. I joined the inside organizations (PLA & Trendsetters), and took part in structured activities, fundraisers and yardout events . Those events put me in the thick of prison culture, but it took me going through my prescriptive programming (Anger and Stress Mgmt, Positive a relationships, etc.) and other groups I requested (Citizenship, Living Safely, Longterm Offenders) to redirect my thinking, actions, involvements and associations, to the place of progress, respect and trustworthiness I am in today. The lessons I learned on Boundaries, Service, and Teamwork led me to fully understand my place and to develop my role in this community, my family, and my friendships. I stand on Honesty, Increasing my knowledge, Requiring and giving out respect that’s been Earned, social and interpersonal awareness, and maintaining a positive outlook despite the misery inside these gates and what’s ravaging the world.

As I’ve been focussed on what’s truly important, not commissary or cable, but education and character development, I’ve completed many classes in food service, completed a Paralegal course and an advanced law class, to go along with an accounting, a real estate and computerized courses. I’ve tutored, been ServSafe certified, spent a decade in the catering program we had, and am now a Certified Peer Specialist, working in all areas of the prison.

I value honesty, meaningful work, positive social interactions, mutual respect, accountability, dedication, and family. I sought and received the forgiveness of my family and friends. I wrote my apology to my victims through the OVA, and I constantly share who I really am and where I stand today, as that’s all imperative to building my growth, garnering other’s trust and living a life that demonstrates my need and desire to show (through actions over words) all who my past actions and inaction hurt, that I respect and honor how they’ve survived what I put them through and would never do again.

I am no longer in my early 20s, but am mid 50s and have learned a wealth of information about myself (boundaries, hard NOs, and inclinations) my peers (individuality be damned), and my overseers (fairness is a commodity). Despite removal from everything akin to my nature and upbringing, I’m Still Here!

I use my writings, sharing my experiences, living as a Muslim woman, and advocating for those who are challenged to redeem myself daily. I will be an asset to the community I return to because today I’m fully mature; I learn from my mistakes through good decision making; I have culinary, secretarial, domestic, and legal skills and knowledge that make me highly employable. I value the rules of community and society, and am still motivated to be financially independent and socially engaged while being protective of myself and my freedom.  I want to be a solid part of growth/Change.

I’ve been changed for the better through loss, restrictions, and the desire to STAND, so that all is not lost, and my lowest day doesn’t define the Lost, the Taken, or ME.

—Terri Harper